River Is
by Alamorn
Summary: River is mindhopping. This is what she sees.


River is

The river is floating out of her mind, the water of her name lap lap lapping against other people and suddenly

River is scared, and when River is scared she gets gorram angry and works to fix the problem. Gorram Reavers had been spotted in the path Serenity had been taking to the drop spot for the job and the new route promises to take two weeks longer.

She is standing on the bridge behind Wash, looking at the stars and wishing real hard that she had her gun and something to shoot. He had called her up here, said the Captain needed to hear this or that and no, he couldn't do it himself, it was important and here they were, not talking. She'd have to tell Zoe that her husband needed to focus on things other than toy dinosaurs.

"Mal!" she heard him say. Drawing in a deep breath she turned from the view of the black and looked at-

River is looking up at Mal from the pilot's seat, a little cold in her Hawaiian shirt, the old springs poking into her through the stuffing of the chair. If she didn't love flying as much as she does, she'd complain about it. Right now though, the Captain's looking a little angry, and she figures now isn't the time to space out. No pun intended. The ship bucks a little suddenly and her dinosaur figurines slide off the dash. Mal gets red in the face and grabs the intercom, sending the signal to the engine room.

"Kaylee!" he roars.

"I'm working on it Cap'n," River calls back, rolling her shoulders in her jumpsuit. She is standing in the engine room, a wrench in hand, preparing to crawl under the whirring engine and fix that hiccup of Serenity's that's annoying Mal so much. Serenity gets them sometimes and Mal always makes faces until she fixes them, as if she wouldn't anyway. Her hammock is looking awful inviting right now, because she hasn't slept more than a couple hours at a time for the past three days, trying to figure out what's wrong with Serenity, who's normally such a good child.

She loves being here in the engine room, surrounded by the buzz and hum of the machinery, smudged with grease and oil and always having to work around the part that they don't have because they ran out of money again. There's the constant risk of losing a finger but that just makes it more exiting. She lies down on her back and wriggles her way under the engine, smiling up at the gears moving an inch from her nose. Ah, there it is! One gear is missing a tooth, which shouldn't be a big deal but is.

"Kaylee?" she hears and smiles even wider.

"Just a moment 'Nara," she calls. "I'm under here! Could you just write down on the pad of paper that the C-gear needs to be replaced?"

"Oh! Of course." There's a rustle of silk and the scratch of a pencil as River works her way out. She looks up at-

River is smiling down at her friend, who has dark grease in a blotch on her nose. Her clothes whisper against her skin as she puts down the paper and pencil.

"Sweetheart, it's time for dinner. "

Kaylee pushes herself to her feet, waving away River's offered hand, and they walk together to the dining room. Mal and Wash are already seated, Mal looking annoyed and Wash looking hungry. She gets that delightful shiver as she sees Mal.

"Hello, Shepherd. That looks shiny," she hears Kaylee say, and turns to greet-

River walks in carrying a few dishes of protein. Protein mash, protein steak, protein heavily flavored with all her herbs and spices. She nods to Kaylee and smiles at Inara as the woman takes one of the plates from her hands. All the others stream in, some making faces at the food. She really wishes they had some vegetables or meat. There's only so much you can do with spices, no matter what she had boasted to Kaylee when she first boarded the ship.

She prays silently, her concession to Mal's beliefs. Some of the others close their eyes and move their lips with her, although she knows that if she did not start it no one would. She can feel the Captain's eyes on her the entire time. She is growing more comfortable with the man's lawbreaking every day, something that in itself unsettles her. She may have to leave the ship, her morals are being so compromised, but she honestly likes the ship and everyone on it. It's a dilemma. Right now though, she's eating.

"Pass the salt please, Zoe?"

River nods and passes the salt to the preacher man, the leather of her vest creaking slightly, Wash's hand is warm on her knee and she only half listens to the bad jokes. Mal calls for silence and she looks up at him.

"I have some news everyone," Mal says and Wash squeezes her knee. "We're arriving at Persephone about two weeks later than expected. We have enough food and fuel, and Kaylee thinks she can iron out the problems Serenity's been having, but it might get a little tight. I talked to Badger and he has a job lined up for us when we get there, so we'll only be on land for a couple days."

"Hell Mal." River turns to look at-

"We haven't been able to stay on land for more'n three days in the past three months!" River says around her mouthful of protein. "Anything you'd like to tell us?"

Mal shoots her a dirty look, but she just takes another bite of protein. "Just askin' what everyone is thinking."

"No, Jayne," Mal says. "There is nothing I'd like to tell you. We've just been busy lately, which in my view is a good thing."

The Shepherd clears his throat as River shoves another forkful into her already full mouth.

"Where's Simon?"

The whole table goes still, the frantic chewing and clinking of cutlery silenced. Everyone knows the real question but no one asks it.

"With River," Inara says finally. "He won't be coming to dinner tonight."

River snorts. "The crazy acting up again?'

"Jayne," says Mal. "Go ask Simon if he wants anything to eat."

"What! Mal!" River whines.

"Do it."

River shoves away from the table angrily, stomping through the ship until she gets to the infirmary. She looks in through the door and sees-

River is getting a new anti-psychotic from the drawer when Jayne coughs. She turns and looks at him as she fills a syringe with the clear medicine.

"Mal wants to know if you want dinner," Jayne mutters.

"No thank you," River says, tapping out the air bubbles. "I'll eat later."

She sees Jayne leave out of the corner of her eye as she turns to her sister. This is the sixth drug she's tried since she broke her out and none of them have been working long term. River wonders why she's still trying, but she pushes that thought down as she injects the medication into her sister's vein.

"River?" she asks, but that's not right, she's River but-

The river opens her eyes. Simon is standing over her worry worry worry pouring out of him.

"Simon?" she asks, trying to remember who she is. She feels angry, nervous, happy, calm, annoyed, in love, ANGRY, worried but those aren't her feelings are they?

"Worried me, mei-mei," he says, Simon wonderful Simon. He brushes the hair out of her face and she grabs his hand and holds on, letting his thoughts, calm now that she's awake, wash over her.

"I'm okay now, Simon," River says and this time it _is_ River that says it, not the river or the river in someone else's body. Soon she'll be back to the river but right now she's herself.


End file.
